[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE" PLAYING]
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna die
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, I remember learning about sex when I was a kid.
I wanted to know what sex was because I just had boners all the time.
I went to my dad. I asked my dad what sex was.
I knew sex existed, I didn't know what it was.
So I asked my dad and he told me. Here's what my dad said.
First of all, it is not sex.
You must not call it that.
Then what do I call it?
Making love.
There is a secret to it.
And I am going to tell it to you now.
You must withhold stimulation.
Enter her only slightly, then withdraw.
And wait until she is mad with desire, begging you to penetrate.
Then:
Then a bit more.
But withdraw again.
Then you must wait and withhold until she demands it...
...and even then, you give her nothing.
Then all you have to do is touch her and she will explode.
I was 7 years old, let me explain that. I was 7 years old.
He's telling me how to make, like, a 35-year-old woman come...
...who, like, really knows herself.
Now, that, my son, is the art of making love.
Now repeat it to me.
Well...
...first of all, you said that you don't call it sex, it's making love.
And....
And when you're doing it, first you go in just a little bit...
...and then you come back out and then she wants more...
...so you go in a little more.
And then you come back out, then she demands it...
...so you just touch her, and then she explodes.
So they taught us sex in school.
And all they did was scare the shit out of me.
Because they show you these diagrams of, like, a penis...
...just this huge penis and it's cut in half lengthwise.
"That's what your dick would look like if I ripped off half of it...
...and threw it in the garbage."
And this is the vagina.
Vagina.
When intercourse occurs...
...the man takes his penis and ejaculates into the vagina.
I didn't understand anything that they taught us.
It just scared me because I thought-- Like, I was a bad student.
I had a hard time focusing on what they were telling me...
...about all these tubes and shit.
Louie.
Louie, come up here and show me.
Louie, show me the penis.
[STUDENTS GIGGLING]
Show everyone the penis, Louie.
Show the class the penis.
I thought for, like, five years that when-- From watching this whole thing.
That when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out.
That's what I thought happens, that you have to come a ball...
...out of that little hole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified.
That's what I thought, you just, "Blah!" And you push a ball out...
...and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere.
And you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought.
You come twice and have two babies...
...and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life.
Which turned out to be true, but....
Could've been worse. Yeah, totally.
No, that was really good.
You liked that? Yeah.
I'm glad you liked it.
Yeah, you seem to know all the good places in New York.
Well, I've been alive for a while and I like to eat, so....
[LAUGHS]
So I don't know if you want to-- Yeah, I--
Um.... What time is it?
It's kind of late, but I don't know, maybe get drink or something?
Yeah, I gotta work tomorrow...
...and I don't really wanna start drinking now.
I don't really drink either, so....
You know what? There's a doughnut place on 14th Street.
You wanna get doughnuts right now?
Well, it's just kind of a great old place.
You know, just watery coffee.
It's one of the last shitty old places in New York...
...and I don't know, I think you'd like it.
And probably I'll get a doughnut too. Maybe some doughnuts.
Hey, you wanna go?
Come on, watch me eat a doughnut.
Heh. Okay. It'll be fun.
You wanna go? Yeah.
Come on. If I can have a doughnut too.
Well, you can have maybe one.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
I would have come here even if you didn't come with me.
All by yourself? Oh, yeah.
Without me? Heh, heh, heh. Sure.
I mean, I'm here every night. Seriously?
The doughnuts.
I don't really need you.
They're great company. Mm-hm.
[LAUGHS]
It's nice, though.
To share? Yeah.
You were correct. This is like piss.
It's piss with shit floating in it. It's fantastic.
So how did you get started being a comedian?
Oh, well, I started in high school.
Really? Yeah, I was 18.
JOCK 1: Suzy. Suzy. JOCK 2: Big old titties.
JOCK 3: Her boobs were so hot, did you see that?
And I was right out of high school.
[JOCKS CHATTERING]
LOUIE: I found out you could do open-mike nights in Boston...
...so I started getting interested.
JOCK 4: You guys can-- Sorry.
JOCK 5: Dude, this one right here-- You believe these guys?
You had that Asian chick in front of you. JOCK 5: Loser, man.
You're a loser. Loser.
Eat my ass, you douche bag.
JOCKS [CHANTING]: Eat, eat, eat!
JOCK 4: Eat. Eat it. JOCKS: Eat, eat, eat!
That nobody can even talk. SANDRA: I know.
Ridiculous.
SANDRA: I really am interested you started so young.
You are? Yeah.
Well, yeah, I was in high school-- JOCKS: Eat, eat, eat!
LOUIE: Hey. Hey! Guys, could you keep it down, please?
Thank you.
That's good. It worked. Yeah, I hope so.
There were clubs in Boston you could go on...
...they're open-mike nights.
You could just-- Anytime you wanted to.
How's it going?
Fine.
I'm sorry, were we bothering you guys back there?
Yeah, actually, you were.
That's why I asked you to be quiet...
...and you did, so thank you.
Oh, that's all right.
I'm Sean.
Sean. Got it, thanks. "Got it, thanks," that's your name?
No, it's Louie.
Oh, okay, Louie.
Louie. Heh, heh, heh.
Hi, I'm Sean.
What's your name?
Heh, heh. Am I bothering you?
Hey, come on.
What's up, Louie? Why don't you go back with your friends?
Yeah, see, I don't really feel like it, Louie.
Hey, Louie, can I ask you a question?
When was the last time you got your ass kicked?
What? You heard me.
When was the last time you got your ass kicked? Just curious.
What, you scared?
Are you scared right now?
No. SEAN: No.
No, I'm not scared of you. Why?
Because I'm a grown man.
I'm not afraid of a kid, some high school bully.
You're not afraid of high school. No.
So, what if I decided to kick your ass right now?
What would you do then?
Huh?
Do you want that?
I'm serious.
I can hurt you really bad.
Right now.
You see this? Huh? You see that?
It's just two days ago. Destroyed this guy's face.
Must have hit him like 40 times. Teeth were all over the place.
Just left him there bleeding.
Probably sent him to the hospital, I don't know.
Are you ready for that?
I'm feeling like doing that to you now. I'm gonna be honest.
I'm kind of leaning that way.
I don't know, I don't know. Maybe if you ask me nicely or something, I won't do it.
But then again, I don't know. I don't know how I'll feel, you know?
I don't know how I'll feel because maybe you'll ask me nicely...
...and I'll still beat the shit out of you. Heh, heh.
Maybe I won't.
So, what do you say, Louie?
Huh?
Please don't. What do you want me to--?
SEAN: Don't what?
Don't kick my ass, okay?
No, I don't like how you said that.
Why? What--? Ask nice, ask better. It was fake.
Ask again. Now.
Okay.
Please don't kick my ass, okay?
You're very strong and young, I get it.
You could kick my ass, I'm sure you could, so I'm really asking you nicely...
...to please not kick my ass, okay?
That was hard to watch. All right, Louie.
Come on, guys, let's go.
Let's leave Louie to his date.
Let's let him have his nice little date.
JOCK 1: Good luck, Louie. JOCK 2: Take care, tough guy.
JOCKS: Louie!
SEAN: All right, Louie.
Go get them, Louie! JOCK 3: Good job, good job.
That guy was a nightmare, huh?
What?
Nothing.
You didn't want me to fight that guy, did you?
Because he-- That guy was pretty serious. No, no, no. Yeah. No, of course.
Hey, look, if you need to be with some guy that gets into fights with young jocks....
I got two kids, I'm not-- No. No, I would never.
You did the right thing. I mean, of course, no. Of course not.
I mean, that was-- It was pretty humiliating. Yeah.
Hey, look, I don't-- I'm getting this weird feeling...
...you're looking down at me for what happened.
I don't-- I mean, I would never want a guy to fight.
That's-- Of course, it's so stupid. I'd be pissed if you did.
And, you know, being violent is just the dumbest thing ever.
And who cares what you have to say to get the guy off your back.
I totally feel that way.
But.... What?
I just-- I don't know.
I mean, if I'm being totally honest, that was a turnoff, seeing that.
Jesus Christ. I know. I'm sorry, I can't help it.
I don't know. I just-- It's like a primitive thing or something.
I mean, you see this guy just totally debase himself and it's--
Just to be safe?
It's a turnoff.
That's seriously a real bummer.
You know, I gotta criticize you a little bit for that...
...because that's why there's wars and stuff, you know?
Women like you that choose stupid strong people...
...over the weak and the gentle-- Listen, look.
Okay, I'm a grown woman.
And my mind is telling me that you are a great guy.
But my chemistry is telling me that you're a loser.
I mean, I'm surprised by my own reaction... Yeah.
Wow. ...but I have no defense.
I mean, I'm completely surprised by my own feelings about it.
I think you said enough things.
I'm sorry. Okay. Okay?
So let's put you in a cab now. Should I leave tip or something?
I got it. Okay, yeah.
It was a great doughnut, though. Yeah, thank you very much.
May I get the door for you, madam?
Because you're a woman and I'm a man and you're-- I'm strong and mighty.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN: Yeah?
Hey. Hi, you don't know me.
But-- What, are you selling something?
No, no. Who's this?
I'm here because--
You have a son named Sean? Yeah.
Well, I had a little trouble with him tonight. GRACE: Like what?
Well, he threatened me. He threatened to beat me up.
Would you come in, please? LOUIE: Yeah, sure.
FATHER: Jimmy, turn that shit down. JIMMY: I'm playing.
FATHER: Turn it down, goddamn it!
So, what happened?
Well, I was at this doughnut place on 14th Street and I was on a date and--
Well, Sean came in with all these friends of his and they were making a racket...
...and nobody could talk or anything, so I asked them to keep it down.
He starts threatening me and saying he could beat me up.
He's saying that he's beat other people up and he's saying that--
Well, he said that if I didn't ask him not to...
...that he would beat the shit out of me. Oh, my God.
Look, nothing happened to me, I'm okay, but, I mean, it was scary.
You know, I'm not a fighting guy.
I'm 42. I got children.
I'm not gonna get in a fight with somebody.
But, look, he threatened me and that's illegal.
Sean, get down here.
Sean! Get down here! SEAN: What? Oh, man.
What, what, what? FATHER: Were you bothering this guy?
What the hell? What are you doing here? FATHER: What did you do?
Listen, I don't know what this guy told you. Shit, Dad, I don't know what he told you!
I don't know what he told you! Tell him you're sorry!
Stop hitting him. How do you think he turned out like this?
What are you talking about? He's no good!
Don't say that, he's your kid.
He probably could have been a good kid. He's obviously smart.
But what--? How--? You teach him to just hit people.
What was he gonna be but a stupid bully? You never gave him a chance.
Hey, screw you.
Who the hell are you?
LOUIE: What? Get the hell out of my house, you faggot!
LOUIE: What are you--? Tell me how to raise my kid!
Go back to New York, you Obama-loving faggot!
GRACE: Who needs you?
Hey.
Hey, buddy, listen.
Yeah.
Hey, man, I don't know what to do.
I mean, I got three kids in there and, you know....
He's 18 now, you know.
I don't know what to do.
Listen, I don't know what you're dealing with.
You know, I mean, I got two kids but they're girls and the oldest is 8...
...so I don't know, I mean....
I guess I just--
I would go with maybe not hitting them.
That doesn't seem like such a great idea.
Well, that's what I know.
My dad hit me, and his dad him.
And how's that going?
[CHUCKLES]
[DOGS BARKING]
Yeah.
How old were you when you had kids?
I was 34.
I was 20.
Seriously? Twenty, yeah.
Grace had a great ass then.
Twenty, that's crazy. Yeah.
Then again, my life from 20 to 34 was all shit...
...so I might as well have had kids then.
What do you do?
Sanitation.
You?
I'm a comedian.
Get the **** out of here. Yeah.
Yeah. It's a job.
No, it isn't.
[LAUGHING]
I guess not.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
LOUIE: I mean, I was a piece of shit when I was a kid.
I stole a kid's bike when I was a kid and then somebody stole it from me.
That's what happens.
And I couldn't take it back because he was bigger, he could kick my ass.
And I've never been in a fight. I've never been in a fight.
I've never beat anybody up, I've never sucked a guy's dick.
Those are two things I never did...
...was beat somebody up or suck a guy's dick.
I mention those because those are things I never did--
I would say, things I'll never do, that I've crossed the line...
...where I never will do them because I'm 42...
...and it would just be a weird time to start...
...is fighting, blowing guys, and skiing.
I think those are the three things.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That the window has closed on learning to ski...
...starting to be a fighting person, or blowing men.
Who starts blowing guys at 42?
LOUIE: Hey, man. Just don't.
Who are you?
I'm you in 30 years.
You gotta be kidding me. You're fat. You're ugly.
I mean-- Yeah, you're gonna be bald too.
All right? God. This is a nightmare.
What happened to you?
I don't know, man.
You'll see.
This sucks. Mm-hm.
[English - US - PSDH]